Kisses or time?

Frankfurt airport 2013
I have a lot of german stories. Here goes a fun one.
So, This was my last day in germany. I was in the airport walking around waiting to do the check in to come back home. I saw a guy from behind the display of his coffee shop smiling at me, I did not respond. I sat on a bench in the middle of the hall and started reading my notebook, organizing my time for the flight. 20 minutes might have passed. I stand up, take the cart, start walking to explore other parts of the airport. When I am 100 mts away from the sitting place I hear someone running towards me. It was the guy that smiled at me. He asks me where I come from,when is my flight, what am I doing later.

I smile politely.

I am from Chile. He is from Albania. I had never met someone from Albania. I keep smiling. I told him I’m just walking. He invites me to go for a coffee and after finding out I have to wait about 3 hours more he wants me to go with him to know the city. I smile very big and say “Thank you! but no thank you, I rather stay in the airport because I can’t risk missing my flight”. Smile.

He insists a couple of times I am really thankful for his attention but decided. Smile. I feel really happy that someone goes out of his daily routine just to talk to me. That is nice. He asks me to wait for him for 15 minutes until he gets off of work. I evaluate in my head that I really have nothing else to do and I show him where I am going to be sitting while I draw people. That’s what I was what I was planning to do anyways.

20 minutes later he returns, he sits next to me (I stand) and tells me he can’t get off of work. He asks me to sit. I sit. He says “give me a kiss” I smile politely and say “aww I’m not your girl I’m sorry, I’m not going to kiss you”. Why not? -he says. “Because kisses are important for me. You should ask somebody else”. Smile. “But it is only one kiss”(he says pointing at his lips) I stand. “Because I don’t know you, because you don’t know me, why would you want to kiss me?”-I say. “Because you are nice”… “Well thank you, I think I understand that better with words that with a kiss”. I smile. “You seem nice but I am going to walk now, if you want you can join me and we can talk. That’s all I can offer you”. I say.
“Ok I understand”, he says “but let me buy you a coffee as friends, only as friends”. I said yes because I like coffee. 🙂

We go to his coffee place and he gives me a gigantic cappucino. We exchange a few words, I ask him about his country we joke and I start making him a portrait. While I do that he makes faces like insinuating to kiss me.
20 minutes pass by and I have finished the portrait. He has to take something to another place and I take that opportunity to leave the portrait with a a little note.

“Words and Time are so much precious than a kiss. Thank you!”

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Maycita’s brain under the effects of edible cannabis

Ñuñoa, Santiago, Chile.
So this is my first time experiencing the effects of medicinal marihuana.
I’m 30 and yes, I like to wait for the time when I think I am ready for experiences, rather than do them when people tell me I should.
Like awesome african american social reformer Frederick Douglas once said:
“I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.”

Anyhow, I disliked the entire experience.
My body sensation did not become enhanced (seeing brighter colors or hearing colors differently like some texts say) neither I had hallucinations ( which is a situation I have experienced while meditating or praying)
But what did happen was this:
I ate a leaf and herbal water of cannabis and turmeric and 1/3 of a little delicious cannabis cake at 6pm on Thursday 15 of April because I had read a lot about the incredible medicinal effects of the plant and was in a lot of pain. There are many people I respect that like the medicinal and creative effects of this plant, so I thought it could help me heal my costocondritis that wasn’t allowing me to move freely like I usually do. Although I was never too interested in the creative effects of the plant because I think it is like cheating. And as I said before, I like to think I am true to myself. At least true to the self I am most of the time.

But back to the story, at 6pm I was eating and reading about the effects of edible cannabis in my computer and of course was not feeling anything. The page said that the effects are felt from 30min to some hours later. At 6:27 pm my mom called me and we talked well just until the last comment I said. I was building up a sentence in my brain and as I was saying it, the end of the sentence disappeared.

That was the first symptom I noticed. To forget my point or what I was going to say usually happens to me so I don’t think my mom noticed too much, but I noticed it took me longer than usual to recall my point and what I was saying. I will ask her if she noticed.
This made me worry a little bit because it felt like I didn’t have control of my train of thought which of course would affect my speech. Interesting.
Anyhow, I went back to the chair in the living room where I was working and some minutes later I started to feel some stronger effects. Looked at the clock. 7:02. It makes sense.
I felt like I was not in control of my corporal experience so I thought I had to take some measures to protect myself just in case I got too lost. I started to google, “worst things that can happen when high” “edible cannabis side effects” “safest place to be while high” etc.
Something interesting is that there is always an “I” in this experience. All the time I was consciously trying to grab on some reality signs as much as I could because at moments it felt like this reality was fading away. I know some people will say that you just had to let go and not fight it but I couldn’t. I had things to do, I had to create reality here.

At this time, I was feeling it strongly, the time perception being diluted, my breathing slowing down, so I took all my things, as silently as I could, and went to my room. Sat in the bed, my stomach was hurting a lot so I thought a good idea was to vomit everything I ate. That’s a great idea! Went to the bathroom but remembered that it is SO difficult for me to vomit!  I still tried and tried until I could vomit a little but not enough.
I had read before that it is good to be in company of people you trust and I was in the house with a friend who had also ate the delicious little cake and the last thing I wanted was to interact with someone else that also had a distorted sense of reality.

I had to go to my brothers apartment anyways so I took all my things as fast as I could (I did not know myself in this side of anxiety) and went outside.
Before leaving my friend asked me: Are you ok?” “Yes!” i replied.”Did the cake made effect?” “Yes”, I replied again “so I prefer to be with my brother” and I walked away fast.
I notice that It was better for me to move. Somehow the stimulus from my muscles kept reinforcing reality inside of my body. I was trying to calm myself, knowing that this was normal but that still made me feel so very uncomfortable.
“Ay ay ay maycita” was my internal dialogue. “You had to work today maycita but you can’t do anything like this! Ay ay ay” “No Facebook, no mails and not talking to people, ok?”

People say I act high naturally in life and maybe I do, I will go into a shop just to look and be immersed in my thoughts and leave. Or I will talk to myself or sing my actions… yep, I probably look high to many people. I feel very free in my life, always challenging unnecessary social pressure or norms if they conflict with my purposes. I usually monitor my thoughts and actions as an exercise to be very present in my experiences and mold me into a person that loves more, collaborates more, and values more the moments I am alive…
What happened with cannabis though is that I could not trust in any of the emotions I was feeling, I was questioning them from the moment they were developing in my brain, catching my attention at a certain moment and so I found myself emulating what I knew for sure about what was my “normal” behaviour in public (which is most of the times not normal at all). At this point I was going to the subway. I looked at myself in the glass of one of the subway windows and saw my silly eyes opened halfway resembling the look people get when they are stoned. “You look so dumb Maycina…”

I was noticing the time experience changing from moment to moment. I thought that it was the effect of the waves of hormones being secreted from my brain because it had that beating rhythm. I was taking notice of this in my brain and thought that a good strategy to remain focused in the things I had to do, was to reinforce and refresh my internal “to do list” faster than usual. But time seemed to move sooo slowly.

“We are walking, that is good” This is a thought I have daily so I just had to stay on track of my daily internal narrative to not be distracted by other thousand connections my brain was suggesting. “The BIP card does not have money, let´s go recharge” I can get distracted very very easily in life so this internal conversation is so normal to me. I just was finding that my brain was a little bit more difficult to manage. Maybe the THC was too potent in the herbal tea and brownie I ate. “Who likes to feel like this??!” I asked myself trying to look or an answer… maybe people who have problems relaxing but I am a survivor of PTSD so I have my strategies. I don’t need to feel like this. I imagined at this point that maybe the THC potency had messed with my myelin shealth and so making the nervous impulses in my brain to speed up and slow down with a seemingly random pattern. I don’t know how true is this but I thought it was interesting to note.

When I got to my brothers’ I sat down and looked for things to do in silence. I decided to ask him how he was and the tone of my voice sounded fake I disliked it. I stayed in silence. I told him what had happened and he said that I was over reacting. That gave me the hint I should indeed, not talk about this. We watched some videos and I reacted to some of them but was criticizing everything I was doing. I did like to know that I could come to my brother’s place actually. It felt safe and It is so very hard for me to trust people.

Some conclusions: In my case, it was counterproductive to eat marihuana to heal my cartilage inflamation when having to do things afterwards. It didn´t help with the pain and my brain was more paranoid than it usually is. I am glad I have strategies to control my emotions of panic or anxiety feelings,so I know how to use them, but I hated to waste so much more time in trying to control myself.

I was successful I think, and I was surprised by it. I figured out that I was not going to become overwhelmed if I just focused on the next right move. That’s all I needed. Simplicity Maycita. I started to sing to myself some songs from my childhood. and I could come back to reality with different strategies.
I was like “calm down little brain everything will be ok”

I disliked the experience because it made me criticize myself and others, edit myself constantly (more than usual) and that is not good. I have much more fun with little stimuli. I have always known this so I have to keep taking note of it.
Remember Maycina:
I am an introvert who can get high very easily on breathing air! or on just being alive today, on seeing a fuss flying through the air and catching a ray of light. That is me. I don’t need more stimuli.
Coffee also makes me tremble and a little confused. Bananas make me very energetic. I am hipersensitive so I design my experiences in order not to overwhelm myself unnecesarily.
I have strategies, I have rules to function in society and with myself as honestly as I can. As free as I feel.
Cannabis doesn’t help ME to be free at least 🙂 it’s a nice plant but not all natural things are good for me 🙂 Wheat is also a plant that is not good for me for example.
I think I will keep getting my “highs” from singing, dancing, writing and painting thank you very much.

And when I am here, in this conscious shared reality,  I will really try to be here, present in the fascinating/ awe filled moments of this life so that I don’t evaporate into the air with my thoughts too easily, which is where my brain tends to naturally lead me.