Maycita’s brain under the effects of edible cannabis

Ñuñoa, Santiago, Chile.
So this is my first time experiencing the effects of medicinal marihuana.
I’m 30 and yes, I like to wait for the time when I think I am ready for experiences, rather than do them when people tell me I should.
Like awesome african american social reformer Frederick Douglas once said:
“I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.”

Anyhow, I disliked the entire experience.
My body sensation did not become enhanced (seeing brighter colors or hearing colors differently like some texts say) neither I had hallucinations ( which is a situation I have experienced while meditating or praying)
But what did happen was this:
I ate a leaf and herbal water of cannabis and turmeric and 1/3 of a little delicious cannabis cake at 6pm on Thursday 15 of April because I had read a lot about the incredible medicinal effects of the plant and was in a lot of pain. There are many people I respect that like the medicinal and creative effects of this plant, so I thought it could help me heal my costocondritis that wasn’t allowing me to move freely like I usually do. Although I was never too interested in the creative effects of the plant because I think it is like cheating. And as I said before, I like to think I am true to myself. At least true to the self I am most of the time.

But back to the story, at 6pm I was eating and reading about the effects of edible cannabis in my computer and of course was not feeling anything. The page said that the effects are felt from 30min to some hours later. At 6:27 pm my mom called me and we talked well just until the last comment I said. I was building up a sentence in my brain and as I was saying it, the end of the sentence disappeared.

That was the first symptom I noticed. To forget my point or what I was going to say usually happens to me so I don’t think my mom noticed too much, but I noticed it took me longer than usual to recall my point and what I was saying. I will ask her if she noticed.
This made me worry a little bit because it felt like I didn’t have control of my train of thought which of course would affect my speech. Interesting.
Anyhow, I went back to the chair in the living room where I was working and some minutes later I started to feel some stronger effects. Looked at the clock. 7:02. It makes sense.
I felt like I was not in control of my corporal experience so I thought I had to take some measures to protect myself just in case I got too lost. I started to google, “worst things that can happen when high” “edible cannabis side effects” “safest place to be while high” etc.
Something interesting is that there is always an “I” in this experience. All the time I was consciously trying to grab on some reality signs as much as I could because at moments it felt like this reality was fading away. I know some people will say that you just had to let go and not fight it but I couldn’t. I had things to do, I had to create reality here.

At this time, I was feeling it strongly, the time perception being diluted, my breathing slowing down, so I took all my things, as silently as I could, and went to my room. Sat in the bed, my stomach was hurting a lot so I thought a good idea was to vomit everything I ate. That’s a great idea! Went to the bathroom but remembered that it is SO difficult for me to vomit!  I still tried and tried until I could vomit a little but not enough.
I had read before that it is good to be in company of people you trust and I was in the house with a friend who had also ate the delicious little cake and the last thing I wanted was to interact with someone else that also had a distorted sense of reality.

I had to go to my brothers apartment anyways so I took all my things as fast as I could (I did not know myself in this side of anxiety) and went outside.
Before leaving my friend asked me: Are you ok?” “Yes!” i replied.”Did the cake made effect?” “Yes”, I replied again “so I prefer to be with my brother” and I walked away fast.
I notice that It was better for me to move. Somehow the stimulus from my muscles kept reinforcing reality inside of my body. I was trying to calm myself, knowing that this was normal but that still made me feel so very uncomfortable.
“Ay ay ay maycita” was my internal dialogue. “You had to work today maycita but you can’t do anything like this! Ay ay ay” “No Facebook, no mails and not talking to people, ok?”

People say I act high naturally in life and maybe I do, I will go into a shop just to look and be immersed in my thoughts and leave. Or I will talk to myself or sing my actions… yep, I probably look high to many people. I feel very free in my life, always challenging unnecessary social pressure or norms if they conflict with my purposes. I usually monitor my thoughts and actions as an exercise to be very present in my experiences and mold me into a person that loves more, collaborates more, and values more the moments I am alive…
What happened with cannabis though is that I could not trust in any of the emotions I was feeling, I was questioning them from the moment they were developing in my brain, catching my attention at a certain moment and so I found myself emulating what I knew for sure about what was my “normal” behaviour in public (which is most of the times not normal at all). At this point I was going to the subway. I looked at myself in the glass of one of the subway windows and saw my silly eyes opened halfway resembling the look people get when they are stoned. “You look so dumb Maycina…”

I was noticing the time experience changing from moment to moment. I thought that it was the effect of the waves of hormones being secreted from my brain because it had that beating rhythm. I was taking notice of this in my brain and thought that a good strategy to remain focused in the things I had to do, was to reinforce and refresh my internal “to do list” faster than usual. But time seemed to move sooo slowly.

“We are walking, that is good” This is a thought I have daily so I just had to stay on track of my daily internal narrative to not be distracted by other thousand connections my brain was suggesting. “The BIP card does not have money, let´s go recharge” I can get distracted very very easily in life so this internal conversation is so normal to me. I just was finding that my brain was a little bit more difficult to manage. Maybe the THC was too potent in the herbal tea and brownie I ate. “Who likes to feel like this??!” I asked myself trying to look or an answer… maybe people who have problems relaxing but I am a survivor of PTSD so I have my strategies. I don’t need to feel like this. I imagined at this point that maybe the THC potency had messed with my myelin shealth and so making the nervous impulses in my brain to speed up and slow down with a seemingly random pattern. I don’t know how true is this but I thought it was interesting to note.

When I got to my brothers’ I sat down and looked for things to do in silence. I decided to ask him how he was and the tone of my voice sounded fake I disliked it. I stayed in silence. I told him what had happened and he said that I was over reacting. That gave me the hint I should indeed, not talk about this. We watched some videos and I reacted to some of them but was criticizing everything I was doing. I did like to know that I could come to my brother’s place actually. It felt safe and It is so very hard for me to trust people.

Some conclusions: In my case, it was counterproductive to eat marihuana to heal my cartilage inflamation when having to do things afterwards. It didn´t help with the pain and my brain was more paranoid than it usually is. I am glad I have strategies to control my emotions of panic or anxiety feelings,so I know how to use them, but I hated to waste so much more time in trying to control myself.

I was successful I think, and I was surprised by it. I figured out that I was not going to become overwhelmed if I just focused on the next right move. That’s all I needed. Simplicity Maycita. I started to sing to myself some songs from my childhood. and I could come back to reality with different strategies.
I was like “calm down little brain everything will be ok”

I disliked the experience because it made me criticize myself and others, edit myself constantly (more than usual) and that is not good. I have much more fun with little stimuli. I have always known this so I have to keep taking note of it.
Remember Maycina:
I am an introvert who can get high very easily on breathing air! or on just being alive today, on seeing a fuss flying through the air and catching a ray of light. That is me. I don’t need more stimuli.
Coffee also makes me tremble and a little confused. Bananas make me very energetic. I am hipersensitive so I design my experiences in order not to overwhelm myself unnecesarily.
I have strategies, I have rules to function in society and with myself as honestly as I can. As free as I feel.
Cannabis doesn’t help ME to be free at least 🙂 it’s a nice plant but not all natural things are good for me 🙂 Wheat is also a plant that is not good for me for example.
I think I will keep getting my “highs” from singing, dancing, writing and painting thank you very much.

And when I am here, in this conscious shared reality,  I will really try to be here, present in the fascinating/ awe filled moments of this life so that I don’t evaporate into the air with my thoughts too easily, which is where my brain tends to naturally lead me.

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A cinderella story (from my 2013 travelogue)

Turnich Castle park, Kerpen, Germany https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpfz-g3IQpA
So many things have happened in this Cinderella story.
Today for example I saw a young deer before sunrise (it was the most beautiful ever) from the kitchen window. What a precious thing to witness these sunrises and sunsets in the woods. It’s a privilege that hurts with delicious pain in my through and nutritious tears in my eyes.
Yesterday I jogged in the night. What a glorious night. So clear and fresh. the moon was showing me were to place my feet, delicately, sweetly, whispering… because she wanted me to pay attention and to long for it’s light. He wanted me to be there. And I was. Fully. Being guided blindly by his kind voice through the darkness.
And today…the sun. stunning. Painting rosy glossy colors in the sky so that I can smile at the fact that I don’t see that color really…that I create that color in my head to compensate my electromagnetic disability. And I compensate it well with this fabulous color…to look what I like…when I’m too weak to see what I cannot see.
Today I worked, I cooked healthy meals for my family just as yesterday. and went to my sprachttandem walking through the castle which looked more beautiful than ever in the sun… today it wasn’t cold at all and I loved it. What a joy. I went out without a jacket.
Today they came to fix the piano so that the little one can rehearse better and the other little one keeps improving at the violin. Slowly but surely.
I went to Koln and ate too many sweets but that will be fixed later. Now I will sleep. with a smile on my face…waiting not to be scared tomorrow. Or to be brave in the face of it. Truly brave.
Let’s hope.

Sonrisas y pequeñas conversaciones en Alemania 2013

Esa cromi es conducida por un señor de Kosovo con quien me fui conversando los 30 minutos de viaje. Parada al lado suyo conversando….

Me contó acerca del conflicto politico en Kosovo y porque habia emigrado. Hablamos de discriminación y del por qué de la vida, de la importancia de vivir hoy de sonreir y orar por estar respirando hoy …respirando el mismo aire que otra persona y hablamos de como hay que valorarla con tanta misericordia como nos deberiamos valorar a nosotros mismos porque lo mas probable es que terminemos de respirar este aire que compartimos… un dia.
He tenido conversaciones similares con immigrantes de Somalia, Irán e Irák en situaciones parecidas…y los conflictos que se ven en television o que se oyen en la radio se me vuelven mas cercanos porque son “de verdad”…”yo tengo una amiga irani que es parte de un grupo folfklorico y ya no tiene a nadie de su familia viviendo en su país” o “conoci a una niña de Somalia que solo tiene a un tio anciano viviendo en su antigua ciudad. Todos han emigrado porque el conflicto entre pueblos es insostenible y el gobierno es tan solo una pantalla que no tiene control de los problemas de la poblecion”. “Tengo un amigo de irak que es huerfano y ahora es vendedor de un puesto de comida rapida turca por causa de la falta de seguridad que tenia el y su hermano cuando pequeños”.
Son historias que son como la mia…(aunque a simple vista no podrian ser mas diferentes..) y por esas cosas de la empatia se sienten como heridas superficiales abiertas que aunque no son mortales, duelen y arden y te hacen recordarlas con regularidad y que piden a gritos unguentos que desinfecten las areas comprometidas, que propicien la regeneracion de los tejidos,y que calmen el dolor.

Le agradeci a mi amigo-conductor-de-Kosovo-sin-nombre tan maravillosa conversación y le entregue una gerbera blanca que me habia encontrado botada antes de subir a la micro.

Y sonreímos.

Otras cosas que encontre en mi diario en Alemania 🙂
hoy lei 😀 y sali a trotar y a explorar el bosque vi una ardilla naramja y ella me vio a mi 🙂 segui corriendo cruce el canal y me fui por unsendero sin pavimentar me fui por los cerros y empece a andar en puntllas para que mis pasos no fueran tan pesados y parece que funciono porque iba saltando por los caminos de barro en puntillas y de pronto dos venados salieron corriendo de entre unos matorrales! estaban muy cerca mio pero supongo que habian creido que era un animal menos pesado.
Y ya 3 chinitas se han posado sobre mi en Alemania. Es invierno y sin embargo me han encontrado exitosamente. 🙂 yo les doy un beso y les pido que se cuiden 🙂

Ayer 1 de Enero, 7 personas me hablaron en la calle. 7. Las conte. Entre ellos un tipo que me agarro de la chaqueta y me hablaba mucho. Muy raro. Quizas estaban todos curaos por las celebraciones 🙂 quizas.

Accident on the road

A road in Palestine 5/11/2014.
(Situation: everyone in the bus on our way to Jerusalem and we star slowing down because there is a problem ahead. t turns out it was a car upside down with people inside in the middle of the highway we see everything as we approached it passing slowly on its side. One of the israelis goes outside to help people start calling ambulance)

My thoughts…

How can you help someone from the audience? What can you do?
people ask: who is a paramedic? who is a paramedic?
but it translates into… “who has the skills needed to deal with this situation properly? to change back the course of events…back to where things are suppose to be??

Everyone watches and claims reality. “THis is terrible” ” Oh my God” with surprised/concerned looks.

What else is there to do if you do not posses the required certificationto contribute to the active development of reality? certifictaion I say because we need to know the standard knowledge you have in order to let you lead the quest for restoring the future with present smart and precise actions….
I look at myself and I say… there are to many people affirming the situatiion and giving each other comfort by stating the negative nature of the event.
This time I choose to write.
But I confirm the notion that I have never liked much the role of the commentator/expectator.
I rather number 1. Live it number 2. Analize it, and way off in number 5. comment it. In that order.

Hola, Te gustaria cambiar a Chile?

Metro Los Leones, Santiago de Chile.
me pregunto un caballero alto en medio de la multitud.

Yo le respondi que no casi instantaneamente, mas por el hecho de que un hombre se estaba acercando a mi directamente, que en realidad respondiendo a la pregunta.

No? / Insistio.

No. Le dije ahora mas decidida pero aun intentando entender la pregunta…

Quiero cambiar a Chile?…

mmm…. no, no quiero.

He estado mucho tiempo intentando conocer a Chile. Desde su identidad Cultural folklorica, su historia, cachai? …la punta del iceberg. Tambien he pasado bastante mas tiempo intentando comprender lo que esta bajo la superficie y creeme que todavia falta bastante.

Que pasa si quiero cambiar “algo” con los ojos cerrados? yo tengo una idea en mi cabeza de lo que quiero hacer por ejemplo un sandwish de carne, tomate y lechuga. Pero que pasa si lo que tengo es unas flores, una bombita de agua y cuero en tela? Probablemente me intoxique intentando comer o me hiera a mi misma intentando usar los materiales que no conozco con una venda en los ojos.

Es necesario conocer a algo primero para cambiarlo y para eso hay que tener paciencia porque no somos un objeto inanimado. Somos un pais construido de todo el territorio todas las personas dentro de el.

Y creo que ya estoy haciendo un esfuerzo en cambiar a Chile al cambiarme a mi. Conocerme y mejorarme como practica continua. Le parece que cambiemos Chile asi caballero?

Quizas asi va a tener mas tino en acercarse tan rapidamente a preguntar a gente en la calle o al menos sera mas respetuoso y me hablara sin comida en la boca, porque caballero ud no se saco la papa de la boca en todos los segundos que interactuamos.

Conozcamos a Chile. Le propongo. Y despues decidimos que, porque y como deberiamos cambiarlo.

Te puedo hacer una encuesta?

…me dijo una simpática encuestadora.
Primera vez que digo que si aquí en Santiago. Que emoción. Me encanta que me hagan preguntas jaja

La encuesta era de Adimark “la empresa líder en Chile en Investigación de Mercado y Opinión Pública” como dice su pagina. Hmm….ok. Su identificación parece legitima. Hm…”Maycina”, me dije, “te están dando un chocolate por menos de 10 min de tu tiempo. Te parece bien?!” … sip 🙂
Cuantos años tienes? -me preguntó
“30! :D”- le dije yo con voz de 12
– ahhh espera …( revisando una plantilla con números) si , si me faltan de esa edad. Te ves mucho mas chica. Ven, pasa.
Me estaba invitando a entrar a un fulgon estacionado en la calle ( mi cabeza ya estaba pensando que cosas tenia cerca que podrían ser utilizadas como armas si cerraban la puerta y me secuestraban. A cual de las dos encuestadoras y iba a pegarle primero… pero por ahora todo se veía inofensivo)
La encuesta era acerca de que clase de snacks la gente consumia. Ok.
– Que productos de estos consumes? , me preguntó (habían varios sobre la mesa)
– …Ninguno 🙂
– “Pucha no tengo esa opcion” dijo ella “elige alguno”.
-“…en serio??! No tienes la opcion Ninguno? ” insisti.
– No.
– “…Y que pasa si no como ninguno? Tengo que mentir??!! :O ” le pregunte muerta de la risa”
– “De verdad no comes ninguno?”
– No pu… 😦 … aunque compraba de esos en la U hace mas de 5 años.
– “Ah ok le puedo poner esos entonces?”
-…”mm bueeeno”. Conteste reticente.
Avanzamos.
Muchas preguntas de precios y donde prefería abastecerme de productos. Le complicaba que dijera almacenes de barrio. “Pero que supermercado?”
Llegamos a una pregunta que decía: Cual de estos productos no comprarías nunca? Yo dije Todos. Pero elige uno me dijo con una sonrisa (era muy simpática 🙂 ) ” Hmmm… Papas Lays”
– “Ah es que no puedes elegir ese porque esa empresa nos encargo el estudio.
-“Aaahhh” dije sonriendo pero con cara de parece que voy a tener que revisar la definición de “encuesta” porque no la entiendo
Mire de reojo el formulario y le dije “pero si ahi tienes la opción porque no la pones no mas?” me respondió: “Es que estas ultimas 2 opciones están marcadas como que no las puedo elegir, ves?”
Yo vi el formulario y de hecho tenia dos columnas impresas mas oscuras porque no podía elegir ciertas respuestas en varias preguntas!
Wow.
Yo a estas alturas le iba a decir, sabes no quiero hacer la encuesta porque no estoy considerada en la muestra que buscan, pero decidí quedarme. Igual, no mentí en la entrevista, igual he comido esos snacks alguna vez en mi vida pero claramente estaba diseñado para beneficiar a la empresa en particular.
Las encuestas en este caso están siendo usadas para eventualmente manipular el comportamiento de consumo en vez de medir que clases de snacks come la población.
Debería haberme preguntado al principio si comía esos snacks o no y si la respuesta era negativa que lo anotara y que me dejara ir con mi chocolate jaja. Respuestas parecidas a la mía se pueden fácilmente medir como valor atípico y ningún drama. La idea es que el instrumento de evaluación considere todo tipo de población.

Cuando salgan los resultados de la empresa se dirá que en Chile todos comen snacks de esta empresa. La gente lo cree y comprara mas snacks de esa empresa. Y el ciclo de addicciones continua. Lo peor es que es un ciclo de addicciones del cual la gente no disfruta los resultados. Disfrutan las hormonas secretadas en los primeros minutos pero las enfermedades, la somnoliencia, la falta de energía, etc. No la disfrutan.

En fin, este post solo era para recordar lo molesto que es cuando se tergiversa la realidad con objetivos egoístas. Esto es en todo ámbito de cosas. La gente busca ganar por ganar en la vida y no mejorarla. Es una actitud tan profundamente ignorante que es necesario seguir tomando notas de estas situaciones y tomar tiempo para meditar en ellas cada vez que sean divisadas.

Una historia casi navideña

Les cuento una pequeña historia casi navideña?
Ayer 25 en la mañana mientras caminábamos a la casa de mi abuelita, veíamos con mi father a niñitos jugando con sus juguetes nuevos. Una familia viene caminando hacia nosotros y el hijito de unos 5 años trae una metralleta de juguete en la mano. Mis ojos inevitablemente se detienen en esto porque me recuerda de inmediato la inseguridad que sentí en Jerusalem viajando en trenes, caminando por calles viendo adolescentes con metralletas en todas partes (el servicio militar es obligatorio para todos hombres y mujeres al salir del liceo) y se me revolvió un poco la guata por la fuerte cultura de guerra que hay en esas tierras. Es una mezcla perfecta de miedo profundo,admiración, ira, honor y patriotismo. A los niñitos les regalaban tours a los garages militares en el kibbutz donde vivía y les enseñaban a reverenciar a la gente de uniforme; a aspirar a ser así de valientes… y eso me revuelve la guata.
Otra persona murio ayer mismo sin razón alguna (hay hope? http://www.forbes.com/sites/davidadesnik/2014/07/24/there-is-no-hope-for-peace-in-gaza/#b2beee5cf923) y siendo oprimidos múltiples veces cada día gracias a la religión. Al culto a la guerra y al patriotismo. El culto a las armas, a la avaricia. A la grosera ignorancia y abierta malicia. (Es interesante verlo a diario cómodamente tomando un tecito de bergamota desde mi casa…)

Paso el niñito caminando con su familia y yo me di vuelta a mirarlo… No creo que la solución sea no regalarle armas de juguete a los niños pero…quizas ser mas abiertos en los diferentes usos de una cierta arma, utensilio, instrumento, herramienta? explicar con paciencia? responder con consciencia y atención cuando se pregunta los origenes o las consecuencias?…
por ahi entremedio debe andar la solución…
quizás demande saber un poco mas, quizas requiera decir “no se…busquemos la respuesta!”, quizás sea una perdida de tiempo…
o quizas es exactamente lo que un niñito necesita. Un regalo navideño de calidad; en experiencia, en transformación de entendimiento y de sus consecuentes acciones.